Happy 2nd Birthday Little J!

Today our sweet boy turns 2. This day has created emotions I was not expecting. It's hard not knowing what this day was like 2 years ago. 

Did she have a long labor? What time was he born? How much did he weigh? Did he cry a long time? Was his first cry soft or loud? Was it rainy? Cold? Were the nurses kind to her or impatient? When she held him for the first time and looked into those massive brown eyes was there a moment of thankfulness? A moment where she considered keeping him? Did she really "get" the blessing that she held? Did she try and feed him? Was she lonely or did she have any friends by her side supporting her? Is she thinking about him today? Did she secretly name him? Does she miss him?  I have found myself angry at her for a long time but today I feel sad for her. Is she feeling the same longing that I felt while waiting for this child? This is not an easy process to work through. I know every single detail of my other two's birthday. Down to the seconds they were born and what their first cry sounded like. This is a completely different feeling. So proud to be his mom!!! But left with a heaviness that I believe will never get better. And then on the other side, what about him? 

The other one who helped create this sweet boy? Does he know he had a son that day? Does he know she gave him up? Does he even care? Is he the one Josiah got his humor from? Or is his most handsome face a reflection of that man? Is that where his love of water comes from? Or his short temper? Could he even in a million years guess that this child found a home in the panhandle of Texas with a white American family? Does he even think about the child he helped create? Yes, many questions and emotions.

Today I think I will hold him a little tighter, kiss him a little more and tell him I love him a million times and pray that God will give us peace. The one who went through the labor and pain to get him in the world and the one who is lucky enough to be called "mommy". Two women who will forever be connected. Two women that may never meet face to face but have a mutual love for a very special boy. Only by the grace of God are any of these moments with him possible. And only by His grace do I 'slightly' understand His love for us. 

Now, off the snuggle some more! :) 

Unstuck

I have been on the fence about whether or not to keep blogging. I'm obviously not very consistent. But here I am, sitting at my computer and needing to air out some thoughts I've been having. Warning...this could get wordy. 

Let me begin by saying I have always wanted to be very honest about our adoption journey and the ups and downs, the good, bad and ugliness. But there comes a time when I have to decide when too much is too much. I won't go into every detail but I do want to share where I've been the last few weeks and where I believe I'm going. 

The holidays sucked. There I said it. Don't get me wrong, did I enjoy seeing our families, sharing in the laughter and making memories? Absolutely. But dragging a child that has only been in this family, scratch that, this country only a few months, from house to house, completely off his schedule, and being beyond sleep deprived just plain sucked. He was AMAZING during the family gatherings. He smiled and charmed and played just like he had known all these people his entire life. We only had (a few) meltdowns. It was what happened behind closed doors that made things difficult. Once we left the busyness and went into the quiet, that's when things unraveled. He had a very hard time de-stimulating, relaxing and resting. There were several nights we literally didn't sleep more than a few hours and nothing we did helped. It was heart-breaking to see him struggle. We've had sleep issues since he got home but this went into a whole new level. Add to that the fact that we've dealt with tummy issues since coming home and he tried an abundance of new foods, and you've got a baby that just isn't at ease. 

After wrapping up the holidays, Little Man's basketball season went into full swing and we found ourselves on the road every weekend for a tournament. Again, do I enjoy watching him play? Does Little J enjoy watching him play? Absolutely!! I LOVE watching him play and even though they don't win much, his effort and heart make up for the scoreboard. I would travel wherever I needed to watch him and we will be doing just that later this month (another blog post). Little J has started dribbling any ball he gets his hands on and plays "defense" with his big brother. He wants to be just like him and I love it. But all this travelling didn't help our routine or schedule and things were just not getting any better. He still wasn't sleeping and we were still having major tummy issues. Lack of sleep made for a clingy, unhappy, fussy baby during the day and I was beginning to feel stuck. 

I felt as though I was losing a little of myself everyday and everyone in my family was being affected by it. I don't know if it's depression or exhaustion, but I didn't like where things were headed. I wanted help but I didn't know how to even start. I cried a lot and found myself going into zombie mode where everything started feeling numb. NOT how you want to feel toward a child that you ached for, yearned for, prayed for and loved so deeply it hurt. But I couldn't shake it and felt like I was suffocating in the unknowns. Plus, I don't deal well on little sleep and I was more tired than I ever knew I could be. I wished I knew why he wasn't sleeping and how to help him. We've tried everything under the sun and nothing seemed to work. He was still up 4-5 times a night and at times, would be wide awake for several hours at a time. So after a very serious discussion, Jerod and I decided to start from the inside out. We are determined to find the cause of Little J's discomfort and pain and began seeking answers for his intestinal problems. 

Let me explain these tummy issues...literally, on average, we change between 5-6 dirty diapers a day. To have to change his clothes once if not twice in one day is very normal. But we know it's not normal. This has been going on since we came home. 4 months ago. Something is wrong and we know it is more than just waiting for him to adjust to new foods and environment. We can tell he is in pain. A few tests have been done and we were told that nothing is wrong. I said that's fine as long as his doctor wanted to start doing my laundry and pay for our diaper bill! At the beginning of this week I switched to a different probiotic and HALLELUJAH! things are getting better!! I haven't had to change his clothes during the day at all this week. Also, I got a call from his doctor that we've been referred to a pediatric GI specialist. Praise God!! And we don't have to wait forever to get in, it's next week!

Also, through some help of a family member, we are getting a consultation with an adoption attachment counselor next week. They seem to agree that his difficulty sleeping could be as much psychological as physical. While I believe we are attaching wonderfully, I think he still feels insecure. I want to help him in any way I can to learn that I'm not going anywhere and even if I'm gone for a little while, I will always come back for him. I can't even imagine how hard his beginnings were and my desire to help him heal is deep. I love this little boy with every fiber of my being and I believe he is going to do great things one day. But we have some healing to do and I want him to know I'm going to be there every step of the way.

So to go from being completely desperate and feeling slightly crazy to moving forward in helping my son heal physically and psychologically has been refreshing and spiritually fulfilling. Prayers are being answered and I would like to say thank you. If you've prayed for us, thank you. I feel as though I've been able to come up for air. The weight has been lifted and my soul has been restored. My wonderful hubby took night shift most of the week and I've gotten caught up on some sleep. I hear he's slept better and isn't waking up as much. :) We had a date night. I haven't cried once. I'm no longer a zombie. We get a whole weekend home since before Christmas. I have faith that we're going to get the answers we seek and be able to help him in the ways he deserves.

I am better.

 I am unstuck. 

December 4,5,6 and 7

Okay, so I haven't been as consistent as I had hoped but it has been a very busy week. We have still been doing our kindness advent so I'll catch you up. On the 4th, I sent three packages to three very special families. Two families I've never even met in person but they held such an important role in getting Little J home. They prayed for us, sent encouraging notes, and were just there for us when we needed them and still are with just one email or text. The other family we spent such a short time with but formed a bond nonetheless. Adoption is cool like that. It brings people together that would have never met otherwise and allows them to become friends quickly due to the fact that you're on the same journey moving toward the same goal. All four of us have brought our kiddos home in the last few months and I know that if they are anything like us, they haven't been out and about much. So I thought a family movie night was in order. We packed up a child's Christmas movie, popcorn and movie candy for a night of family fun and then two made their way to Missouri and one is going to California. :) 

On December 5, we paid for the person behind us at the drive-thru. We had lots of ice that day and I thought we were going to have to cancel this day's act but we were able to make it. December 6th our act was to buy a gift card at the store and give it to the person behind us. We decided it would be nice to put that toward someones tank of gas. So we bought a gift card and Princess danced around trying to stay warm as we waited on the next customer to show up. It ended up being a mom with her daughter and after Princess gave her the card, she insisted on coming over to meet and thank us. Princess was so proud. Today we did have to pull the plug on our kindness act. We were scheduled to open doors for shoppers but since it never even made it above 19 degrees, I decided that we could do a 2 for 1 tomorrow and not give my kids pneumonia. 

Rudy is still making a daily appearance. :)

He helped Daddy shave one morning...

He was naughty one night...

And last night he went for a high flying adventure. 

The kids are still enjoying looking for him every morning and they even have Little J saying, "UUdy!" They are anxious for me and their daddy to quit thinking of hiding spots so they can get their turn at hiding him. I know I've said it before, but we don't do the traditional elf on the shelf. The kids know we are the hiders and whoever finds it first, gets to hide it next. But there's so many new places in this house, I'm just not ready to give up my turns yet. ;)

So that's what we've been up to this week! I'll try and do better at keeping up to date. 

Day 3...Cookies, Ear Infections and Lights

Today's act was to treat the pediatrician and his nurses. They have been so nice and patient with us and all of our questions and concerns about Little J. He was scheduled to get shots today but he has been one kind of grumpy gus so I called and switched his appointment to see the doctor instead of just the nurse. And, we have yet another ear infection. This makes three since he's been home. Poor little guy just can't catch a break. So we baked off some cookies and took them with us. Easy but appreciated. But of course, I didn't get a picture so you'll just have to trust me. 

I did get a picture of Rudy. He must have been hungry last night because we found him snooping around in the kitchen. He fell into our injera bread basket from Ethiopia and got stuck! Crazy elf! ;)

We're still searching for a fun holiday event here to replace some of the fun stuff we did in our home town. We tried one of the most talked about events tonight but it was disappointing and anti-climatic. One good thing is that I got to hang out with a couple from our small group and be with their sweet kids. It also meant that I wasn't left to deal with Princess and Little J all by myself among a sea of people in a place I've never been before. God works out those little details just perfectly for us doesn't He? Now I'm off to bed and crossing my fingers that the antibiotics we started Little J on help him sleep tonight! 

Day Two!

Two days in a row...whoo-hoo!! :) Today our kindness act was to gather canned goods and deliver them to the food bank. Little J and I ran to the store this morning to pick out what we would donate and when we delivered it, the bigs took them up to the receiving dock all by themselves. They thought it was so cool that the man was so appreciative. I love that Little Man decided to sport his Santa hat during delivery. Good times. 

Rudy decided a train ride was in order this morning. Little J has discovered our little friend and likes chewing on his feet.

And we are about done with inside and outside decorations. My rule has always been that if it takes more than one day to put up, there's too much and you need to scale back. However, being that this year finds us in a new house, it's taken some time to find just the right spot for everything and between the weather and injuries, outside decor took a little longer than we hoped. But the good news is that I just need one more quick trip to the store for two red bows and we are DONE! Hubby got my favorite decoration up tonight and I think it looks fantastic! 

I just completed some online shopping and only have my kiddos and parents left to buy for and that is a GOOD feeling. We are scaling back with the gifts this year and putting more of our money toward non-profit charities. Christian Relief Fund being the biggest. :) This will also give me more time to do the things I really like doing with my kids but tend to put on the back burner or not do at all. They have two weeks worth of lesson plans left and I've put them in charge of going however fast they want. If they want to do it all this week and get an extra week off, wonderful. 

More time for fun. :) 

If At First You Don't Succeed....

We're trying again! Last year we wanted to try the random acts of kindness advent and only completed about 14 of the 25 days. We ended up moving back into our house right before Christmas from the fire and didn't finish it. So, this year we're trying again and I've tried to be very purposeful and intentional about planning which days we do what acts so we might be more successful. I've even included extended family members for those days we will be out of town. So they are planned out and hung up on the school room wall for easy remembering. 

Day One...have the kids write thank-you notes to our wonderful children's ministry team at church and add a coffee shop gift card in each one. They work really hard and having just started the church in January, I know it's been a challenge for all of them and they are doing a very good job.

And, let's not forget about Rudy! He's made his way with the move and is ready for some new shenanigans in the new house. He placed himself right where the kids would find him early in the morning...in the fridge. :) Silly elf will do anything to get their attention.

Here's hoping we can fulfill the traditions we started last year AND that I can remember to document it all! :) 

Time Flies and It's Just Not Fair

Well as always, time is flying by and it's closer to another year coming to a close. We are gearing up for the holidays around here. Believe it or not, I usually refuse to put up our Christmas tree before Thanksgiving, but this year was an exception. The weather was pretty miserable this weekend so we took advantage of being stuck indoors and went ahead and decorated for Christmas. We are so excited about Christmas this year and sharing it with Little J. He loves the lights on the tree and really likes pulling off the lower ornaments. I just love our tree. It's more than a Christmas tree to me. It's a memory tree. I don't do the organized, all matchy-matchy colors, we just have ornaments that have been acquired throughout the years that mean something to each of us. I like looking at all of them as we hang them up and remembering why Princess got a bicycle ornament that year or why Little Man has one of a dog on skis. :) Here are just a few of my favorites...

I've been waiting three years to put a name and date on this one!

To remind me of the time Little Man had "Where the Wild Things Are" memorized and recited it by heart. At the age of 3. Yes he did. 

The year a lot more pink entered our lives! Princess' first ornament. She barely made it in before the new year but her timing was perfect.

My dad nicknamed me two things growing up. Peanut and Waspy. I prefer Peanut but occasionally the other side comes out. :) I love the nickname and I love having this reminder on our tree. 

So like I said, the weather was pretty miserable but Saturday night into Sunday brought a surprise...SNOW!! I always say, if it's going to be so nasty cold, it needs to snow. And we were so excited to get Little J out in it to see what he thought. He loved it!! He didn't necessarily like touching it, but he liked being out there and walking in it and tasting it. :) 

Oh he melts this mama's heart!! 

The kids were willing enough to let me get a picture of the three of them and I just have to say I love it! Little Man is actually SMILING! It's about time he showed off those beautiful teeth we worked so hard to get straight. Plus, Little J is looking at the camera and being still at the same time! There might not be a smile but this is definitely a successful picture. Personally, I think I have the 3 best looking kids around! 

So that's what has been going on with us. Now to look toward a great couple of days with my family for Thanksgiving, family pics, home study visit, more doctor appointments and celebrating 2 months home. Whew! Let the fun begin!!

One Month Home

 I can't believe today we've been home one month with our little J man! Thinking back on all that he's discovered and learned just in this short amount of time is mind blowing. He is such a fast learner and has added more laughter into our home. I hope this gives you a small glimpse into his personality and how he's changing and growing.

 We went on our first field trip with our GRACE homeschool group. I had taken off October from working in the nursery to work on our cocooning but the kids still went to their classes. The last Friday of the month though is field trip day and I thought he was doing good enough for us to go. He did great...he slept most of the time. :) 

He has developed quite the love affair with outside. When we first brought him home, he didn't seem to even notice being outside. He didn't look at the cars or trees. They said he didn't spend much time outside before we got him. The more we're out there, the more he likes it. He now loves watching cars and walking in the grass is another favorite. (He wasn't around much grass either). Plus, his two favorite guys are out there a lot and he wants to be wherever they are doing whatever they're doing. I'm waiting on a baby swing to be delivered so we can install it in one of our awesome trees in the back. Then I may never get him back inside! 

He LOVES balls!!! Any shape, size or color...he doesn't care. Just give him a ball and he's a happy boy!

This is his, "On your mark, get set, GO!" stance. As long as we say it, he'll do it and then run as fast as those little legs take him. 

Helping Bubba play catch with Dada

He has experienced his first Halloween and Princess has loved showing him all the fun fall traditions we have. This year she decided to paint a pumpkin and carve just one. They turned out really cute!! I love that she hasn't decided that she's too old to still enjoy these traditions. 

Bubba felt he WAS too old this year to join in the pumpkin fun so he watched from afar while we introduced Little J to the inside of a pumpkin. He was not sure about all that nasty slimy stuff and wondered why his sister was so willing to put her hands in there. 

When I realized he would be home in time for Halloween, I was so excited to put him in big brother's costume. I can't believe it's been 11 years since he was that little cow.

Little Brother wore it well :)

We went to a fall festival the Sunday before Halloween with our small group and while he stayed in the stroller most of the time, he seemed to enjoy being around the people and music. He just wasn't so sure about the crazy costumes.

Princess decided the perfect costume to go with her little cow was Jessie off of "Toy Story". They were the cutest things ever!!! He loves his sister and she is so good with him. She adores him and is at his every beckon call.  

Halloween night we stayed close to home and did the traditional "trick or treating". We had been told our neighborhood got a lot of kids so I felt pretty safe letting Princess go with some friends to get her candy. We took her and Little J to a few houses but he didn't last long and he was way more interested in watching Bubba hand out candy. He wasn't sure about the mask but he kept a close eye on him just in case. 

School has been the hardest adjustment I think. The big kids would much rather be playing with their little brother than doing math facts. Every day is easier and we are slowly learning how to get it all done on top of chasing a toddler! I've attempted to do what I need to with them during times that Little J naps but sometimes I think it's good for him to be involved. Plus, it helps him learn this part of our lives for when he becomes a student. :)

Joining in our science experiments. We made goop from cornstarch and water and he could hardly stand to touch but couldn't keep himself from it! 

One day my mom had given me the great idea to let him finger paint while we worked. So I mixed up some instant pudding and let him make as big of a mess as he wanted. He loved it! It kept him entertained for about 10 minutes. Ha! Oh well, it was fun. 

November 1 we made the big step to attend GRACE. I took him with me to the two year old class and wore him in the baby carrier. At first he just liked looking and watching the kids but after about 30 minutes, he wanted down to join them. He did really well and enjoyed being with other kids his size. I know that has been an adjustment for him to go from a room full of little kids to a house with two older ones. As much as he loved it though, it wore him out and Friday afternoon was pretty rough. We have worked hard at getting him on a schedule to hopefully help him sleep better and veering from it was hard. Saturday he was back on and back to his happy self. :)

It was good that he felt better Saturday because he had a big meet-n-greet with a cousin! This cousin is only 2 months younger than Little J and lives far away so we were excited that they could meet. They played well together and the visit just wasn't long enough!! Christmas will so much fun with a 3,2,1,1 year olds and 6 month old! Crazy fun I'm sure!

We are so blessed to have this little guy home finally. He loves to entertain us and make us laugh. He eats very well and I'm working at getting him on more and more table food every day. He absolutely LOVES his baths! We should have invested in flood insurance though because he makes quite the splash!! The only thing we are still working on is sleep. He is much better the last week though so I think we are headed in the right direction. He was waking up 4-5 times a night and now we're down to 2-3 and his naps have gone from 30 minutes to about an hour. Getting better sleep has helped him while he's awake during the day for sure. I use to have to hold him all the time but now he feels more comfortable to venture around the house a little more on his own. I know having a whole house to explore is very different than staying in one room all day and can be pretty overwhelming. He has gotten in two new teeth since being home and we've seen his doctor for a checkup and got him started on shots. 

There's so much more I could say but there's also so much I need to get done while he's down. This post has taken me three different sittings to complete so I better be done for now. :)

Beginning to settle

While in Ethiopia we had suspicions that Little J had an ear infection. The 16 hour flight that he only slept about 4 hours of kinda confirmed our fears. He was miserable and we were not far behind him. So to come home to such a warm, loving welcome crew was just what we needed. I was missing my bigs so bad and I was just ready to be home. Or fairly close at least. We flew into our home town since there were more people there that wanted to greet him than in our new town. And it gave our immediate family a chance to spend a few extra hours with him before we drove home the next day. 

So blessed to finally be all together!

He met his grandpas...

Some of his great grandparents...

and one very special great-great-grandmother.

He was introduced to Texas in the best way possible...his first cowboy hat :)

And then we headed home home. :) When we got there, we found this on our front door. 

We immediately took him to the doctor and found that he actually had a double ear infection and we were able to get him started on antibiotics right away.

Once he started feeling better, his little personality just lit up

We spent the next three weeks playing, holding, bonding, basketball watching, laughing, eating, football watching, changing, growing, loving....

living. 

 He loves him some Bubba.

Starting him out right...Go COLTS!!

My little buddy during pretty much anything I do

He also loves him some Sissy

Not long after we got home, my niece had an eye appointment here so those cousins came to visit. It was fun watching them react to Little J. The littlest one couldn't figure out how this kid in a picture he's been seeing was now actually here moving and talking. Cracking me up.

So here we are. Almost three weeks home and I'm just now catching you up. I promise to do better. I'll leave you with some shots from our trip to the pumpkin patch. He just couldn't figure out why all these orange balls wouldn't roll right!! :)