Anxious I Am Not

Well it's finally beginning to look like summer around here. We have had the busiest (but funnest) couple of weeks so our lazy days of summer have started kinda slow. The last two days have been "do nothing except what we want" days. One day my kids were still watching cartoons, in my bed, at 11:30 in the morning. Yep. I let them totally veg out all morning and take over my bedroom while I worked on some things.

Then they moved to playing on their computer for awhile and after this, they played and played in their rooms together. No whiny voices, no arguments, no fighting...just playing. It was heaven. :) We then headed to the pool for several hours and ended the day with some "America's Got Talent" watching. We love that show. Just an all around great day.

I'm trying to take advantage of these moments and do things that I normally don't get to do. Like read. ;) I just finished a book my mom loaned me called "Witness". It's a fictional account of Mary Magdalene's journey with Jesus. It really helped to put real feelings on how these dear friends felt during Christ's death, Resurrection and ascending. It was just "Wow." I loved it.

I'm also working on deep cleaning each room...again. I just did this during spring break but with all the wind and dirt, it just doesn't last very long. I've really started wondering if it wouldn't be the best option for us to move (shhh...don't tell my husband!) just because I cannot imagine having a crawler on these nasty floors. But then I remember I'm crazy because then we have to start our whole home study process over and that. is. NOT. an. option. I just need to realize that the wind will stop blowing....eventually. I hope. Otherwise you're going to find me in the loony bin with broom and dustpan in hand and a t-shirt that reads, "The dirt won". I may be going a little crazy right now even writing this post. Hmmm.....

One thing I'm not doing is being anxious. What?! This is not like me people! I keep waiting for that very familiar feeling to sneak up on me where I start breathing fast and my chest tightens and I feel like I'm going to explode. My only reasoning? I must have MANY people praying for me to stay calm and take one day at a time and not be anxious. Now do I stress over where our baby is going to go or if my car is big enough to hold all of us? Yes, I do think of these things but that's just who I am. I'm a planner and I would kinda like to have an idea in my mind of how things are going to go when we get "that call".

Do I ache to hold my child and wonder what they are doing at this same moment? Yes...I really ache during church services...weird huh? I figure it's just one of the few times during the week that I'm being still for that length of time totally in tune with my Father and it overwhelms me at all He's done so far and what He's going to continue to do. But sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, I am not. And no matter what I may have tried to figure out in my mind that day, I lay my head on my pillow at night and sleep peacefully.

I am not anxious because I know God is in complete control. I am not anxious because I feel completely comfortable knowing that the timing is perfect and one day, I'll look back and see it. I am not anxious because I know that this is exactly what God called us to do and He is taking care of every little detail so we don't have to. I still have my job of raising two of the most precious, wonderful gifts God gave me and He knows that I would totally mess up trying to do it all. Life is so much bigger than just us and I hope I remember that through all of this.

There are other people being affected by this whole process. People I will never meet. A mom that had to either make the terrifying decision to let her child go or one that didn't even make it to see her baby beyond birth. A government that is trying their best to do right for these children when it has to hurt their hearts to send them half way around the world because their own country is too overwhelmed with orphans.

I am not anxious because every time I begin to feel anxious, I try to think about how God must hurt over His children worldwide. Our bad decisions, our self absorbed nature and disrespect for what He did for us. I am not anxious because I really have no idea what it is like to suffer. I feel very responsible to do what I can with what I've been given and not to lose perspective during the process.

I pray it stays this way through our waiting and I don't become crazy psycho mom who is constantly waiting for our call and emailing our program coordinator every other day. :) (I have only emailed her once by the way). I know I have said this before but if you are praying for us, thank you!! Your prayers are working and we feel very blessed to be this far. Life is good and I am very grateful for the support we've received. I'm learning to "Let Go and Let God." He is really teaching me that waiting on Him has such better rewards than trying to do things my way. His love for me is so much greater than I can imagine and He is on MY side. If our God is with us, then who can be against us? If our God for us, then what can stop us? Our God is greater, our God is stronger, our God is higher than ANY other! He is my God and I love Him!