Anticipation

What a week. This has been one of the most exhausting and draining weeks of my life. My world has revolved around crosses getting ready for that craft show on Friday but in the midst of all that, I've been teaching school, getting the kids where they need to go, and going over to my grandmothers every day only to watch her go downhill moment by moment. It's been a week of anticipation on so many levels and I've decided anticipation is exhausting.

My memaw as you may remember was diagnosed with lung cancer back in May and over the last 10 days she went from going to the ER with stomach pain to completely unresponsive and fighting for each and every breath. Hospice was called in when she returned home from the hospital and that nurse says she could go at any minute. Thankfully, I did get my kids over there the last day she was able to communicate with them and I was so proud of them for not being scared of all the tubing and machines surrounding her. They were so mature about it all and were very impressive to me as they ignored all the "circumstances" and just paid attention to her. They read her stories, got to tell her they loved her and held her one last time. Princess has asked to see her again, but as of yesterday, they've said the cancer has moved into her brain and she isn't responding at all anymore. I don't want Princess' last memory of her to be like that.

So any minute....every phone call or text I receive could be the one that says she has taken her last breath. I have this picture in my mind of a long banner in heaven with Memaw written above it and numbers ticking away. Only God knows how many breaths she has left and when her last moment is. But I'm ready for her to go meet Him and I have no regrets. I don't want her to be in pain and watching her struggle breaks my heart.

I've tried to go on about my life and the things I need to get done but every thought comes back to that situation. I will miss her dearly as I miss my Pepaw, but I will rejoice that they will be reunited once again. The family teases that she's hanging on because her and Pepaw didn't get along all the time and she knows she's going to have to deal with him again once she dies but I know she loved him and that it will be a sweet reunion. She will get to be with her mom and dad and all those that have past before her but as Princess reminded me, she will finally get to see the face of Jesus. How great is that!!!! She gets to walk among the gold streets and sing the sweet praises of our Lord. That is what I will hold on to and cherish when all the hard stuff of saying good-bye is happening.

But as for now, I wait. I love my family, I watch football, I do my mundane things and I wait. That ticker is ticking down and I wait. Anticipation.....it is exhausting.