Stepping out of the darkness

Discouragement is a tool of the devil. I know this. But yet, I have such a hard time fighting him off. Because, the last few days, I have wanted to accept it, wallow in it and wear it around like a coat. But I know better. I am tired. Physically from being sick, spiritually from lack of study, and emotionally from silence. He knows what he's doing. He's attacking when I'm at my lowest and attacking in a way that he knows I'm weak at. Staying strong, staying patient, staying the course even when the course can't even be seen right now. I'm not strong at these things and he knows it. He knows that instead of being upbeat and positive, I'm much better at being negative and worrying. He knows that he can attack me at every lack of information, every negative comment I read on a blog, and every person who asks me about our journey and when I have no new information, it just gets heavier. Even when people with good intentions tell me stories, ask why it's longer for us than for others, it gets harder. I just want to hide. I don't want to talk about it. I try not to think about it. But it's in me. It's apart of me and I can't ignore it. I wish I could give more but right now, today, I can't. I don't have any more information than I did a month ago. I don't know why so-n-so's process is going faster than ours. They must be better people than us. I don't know and I'm letting him win and that makes me furious.

Heavy. Tired. Worried. Scared. Questioning. Mad. Fed up. Discouraged.

Give up. He says. This is too hard. This is taking too long. Things aren't moving. They aren't on your side. There are too many against you. This will never happen.

But we can't give up. It is hard, but nothing is too hard for my God. Things are so quiet right now it is very scary. I feel like there are conversations going on, decisions being made and things happening that we don't know about. And I'm waiting for it to fall. I'm waiting for the bad news even if there isn't any bad news. I'm preparing myself for the worst. I have to learn to trust. Trust in my God, my agency and trust in those that I have the least faith in. This is not easy for me. I am not a naturally trusting person. It takes a lot for me to trust those I love much less those that I don't know and certainly those that don't have either party's best interests in mind.

My mom gave me a devotional book at Christmas and I've really enjoyed it.

February 1

Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you are not looking where you are going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways. Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My presence. Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way for you.

"Jesus Calling" by Sara Young

No lie that this was today's reading. Think someone is trying to tell me something? I've been trying to fight off Satan all by myself while the God of the universe has already beat him! He has gone before me, fighting for me and He will win! While I understand that I am human and all those feelings come so easily for me, I cannot use that as an excuse to stay in the darkness. I am a child of God and I need to walk in his light! I need to remember the sacrifice He made FOR ME and thank Him for all I've learned through this hard journey. Not complain about it. Give thanks in all circumstances right? Give thanks in EVERYTHING. Even silence. Even bone-headed governments. Even in good intentions. Thank Him.

Thanks for sticking with me today. I needed to blog about this for a few days and it helped me to get it out. I might have to sit and have a good cry now. For my grief, for my stubbornness, for my unbelief and for my doubting heart. For my child, the one God has chosen for my family and for everyday that passes that they don't know they have people who already love them dearly. If you don't mind, could you say a prayer for us today? Not only for my whole family but for our child that doesn't know there is a family for them yet? I would appreciate it. May God bless you today.