Did she have a long labor? What time was he born? How much did he weigh? Did he cry a long time? Was his first cry soft or loud? Was it rainy? Cold? Were the nurses kind to her or impatient? When she held him for the first time and looked into those massive brown eyes was there a moment of thankfulness? A moment where she considered keeping him? Did she really "get" the blessing that she held? Did she try and feed him? Was she lonely or did she have any friends by her side supporting her? Is she thinking about him today? Did she secretly name him? Does she miss him? I have found myself angry at her for a long time but today I feel sad for her. Is she feeling the same longing that I felt while waiting for this child? This is not an easy process to work through. I know every single detail of my other two's birthday. Down to the seconds they were born and what their first cry sounded like. This is a completely different feeling. So proud to be his mom!!! But left with a heaviness that I believe will never get better. And then on the other side, what about him?
The other one who helped create this sweet boy? Does he know he had a son that day? Does he know she gave him up? Does he even care? Is he the one Josiah got his humor from? Or is his most handsome face a reflection of that man? Is that where his love of water comes from? Or his short temper? Could he even in a million years guess that this child found a home in the panhandle of Texas with a white American family? Does he even think about the child he helped create? Yes, many questions and emotions.
Today I think I will hold him a little tighter, kiss him a little more and tell him I love him a million times and pray that God will give us peace. The one who went through the labor and pain to get him in the world and the one who is lucky enough to be called "mommy". Two women who will forever be connected. Two women that may never meet face to face but have a mutual love for a very special boy. Only by the grace of God are any of these moments with him possible. And only by His grace do I 'slightly' understand His love for us.
Now, off the snuggle some more! :)